I believed that God had forgiven me for my “sins” and I was “saved”. At that point, my idea of being a Christian was: I’m going to heaven. I didn’t stop then and think of what God thought of my past because I kind of figured He saw it like I did: “Ok let’s try and not do that anymore! I mean, you are a Christian now so try to be good!” The things that were done to me, and the things I had done, well that doesn’t seem to fit in the life of a good Christian girl- I thought, who I was was bad, God doesn’t like that part of me but He accepts me now because I’m going to be better. I’m going to do better. So if I just hate the past part of me enough, if I just turn my back and deny it enough then I can be acceptable. I wanted to be acceptable. I presented the best side of me. I could convince others that I was ok, but in my mind, there was still this whispering in my ear: You are a fake. You are not acceptable. Remember who you were. Remember what you’ve done. If anyone knew the REAL you….
I would soon learn is that my view of who God was and what He thought of me was completely wrong. I didn’t know that God has a special place in His heart for runners like me. God had no intention of allowing me to sit and decompose in the grave I had dug for myself. I didn’t know when I was saved, when I accepted Jesus as Lord of my life, is that He didn’t just want me try to live the best life I could FROM NOW ON- the good parts- He wanted MY WHOLE LIFE. He died for ALL OF IT. MY struggle was how could I give him something that I couldn’t come to terms within my own mind? How do you forgive yourself for actions you can’t even speak of because the guilt and regret are too much to stomach? How could He ever love those parts of me?? I didn’t understand that. But He was about to show me. And to show me, He first had to walk me through my earthly undoing…
Romans 8:28: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
STOP! Do not get turned off by the wording of this scripture. If you don’t know Jesus, you may think this doesn’t apply to you and unknowingly miss His heart for you! If you have doubts or don’t feel particularly “called” by Him, you may think God is only speaking to a certain “qualified” believer. Someone that recognizes their purpose. But hear me out: God loves all his children, even those who:
- May not have heard his voice yet
- Don’t recognize it is God but have a “feeling” inside them
- Those who are dealing with doubt in who He is
- Those who feel unqualified or that they are “too bad” for His love
God works for your good and we ALL have been called. Some of us just haven’t picked up the phone yet. Good news: He will never stop calling you. He will never NOT pursue you. Not ready to pick up the phone? That’s ok. But what if you act like you are Facebook stalking Him? Learn all that you can about who God is, see who His “friends” are, look at their pictures together-i.e. testimonies of lives lived with Him, read His bio and his blog, (aka the bible), and check out his groups: Love. Grace. Acceptance. The first step in any solid relationship is getting to know each other.