I never had any intention of ever dealing with this part of my past. That was my plan. I had it all figured out. It didn’t really bother me anymore. Well…except when my husband would bring it up and ask me if I wanted to talk about it. I didn’t say I wanted to talk about this. We are not going there. Except when anyone said the word. Don’t make eye contact. They can see right thru you. Hypocrite. Except passing the billboards. Of course, you shouldn’t do that! Keep going. Why are all those babies always looking at me?! Nope. Hardly bothered me at all.
So what do we do with the parts of our stories that are seemingly the worst of the worst? There are mistakes and strongholds you can talk about, and then there are ones that you can’t. If people knew, they would think-they would KNOW– you weren’t a good person. They’d look at you differently. Pushed out. Talked about. Ridiculed. I hadn’t even dealt with my past myself, and the idea of giving someone the power to cast a judgment on me: no thanks. Don’t worry I will relay the message, been doing it for years! Yes! I was sorry. I was guilt-ridden. I didn’t know who I could truly trust, even my own thoughts and feelings, because this topic and other all things I had been thru make people look at you differently. There’s a clear right and wrong (which are different right and wrongs depending on who you ask!), none the less- you will get strong opinions. I had a strong opinion:
I am: Dirty. Guilty. Unacceptable.
How does someone live in that? And what’s the truth? Who am I really? Am I worth as little as I feel I am when looking through the lenses of the past? Does it even matter who I am today? What does this whole “new in Christ” really mean? Does Jesus really forgive ALL SINS? And why do I feel like that applies to everyone else but me?
Romans 6:14 says For sin shall not be your master; because you are not under law, but under grace.
Grace. The love and mercy given to us by God because He desires us to have it, not necessarily because of anything we have done to earn it. (Wesleyan Theological Heritage). And in my opinion, one of the least understood gifts from God. THE BIGGEST GIFT. Deep down we know its significance, we name our children after it, we sing songs about it, but sometimes the most over-used words lose their potency in our lives, because we hear it and hear it and hear it but we don’t see it lived out in the grandness, in the total transforming nature that IS grace. What does GRACE really look like? Feel like? Taste like? Those of us who are desperate and downtrodden search for this elusive “unicorn” of freedom… and we didn’t even know it was right before us the whole time- we just don’t understand it. Grace.
It is because of GRACE that sin shall not be our master: we will not be held under its power. We will not be subdued by it. Jesus died, DIED with all the sins of the world on him. ALL. THE. SINS. Past, present and future. Not just the acceptable ones. ALL. He took them, they were beaten into him, nailed into him, put upon his head, and they went to the grave with Him but when He resurrected he left our sins in that death. Before YOU were born He had already given you grace- before you could do anything to earn it- so you can’t do anything to earn it! It is only His to give. He knew we were going to screw up. We have blown it and blown it BIG time! But we are not to be held under the blanket of shame, regret, indifference, guilt- we are under the ALL ENCOMPASSING, FREEING power of grace. Yes, we are guilty, but we have a FULL PARDON.